Early on, Martha Stewart was the target of numerous jokes from the roasters. In his opening monolog, Kevin Hart warned the ex-convict to put her ankle bracelet on vibrate so it wouldn’t interrupt the show. And, of course, there were numerous cracks about Martha Stewart’s age.
“She’s so old if you look closely at the $100 bill you can see Martha photobombing Ben Franklin in the background,” said Ludacris.
Yet Martha Stewart showed these comedians how it was done. She started out mocking her fellow roasters, including Kevin Hart. Stewart recalled how Hart spent his first paycheck on an expensive watch.
““I forget the term for that .. it’s not African American rich – Justin you know the word,” Stewart said.
Martha Stewart then revealed how she helped the other comedians at the Justin Bieber roast. She claimed turned eight of Shaquille O’Neal’s bedrooms into refrigerators and gave some advice to Ludacris after he fathered three kids with three different women: “May I suggest pulling out sometime and finishing on some fine, highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens.”
Of course, Stewart also had plenty to say about Justin Bieber. As a former jailbird herself, she knew just what to tell him before he “inevitably” ended up there. So she taught him how to make a shank using bubble gum.
“All the hoodrats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s a--,” she told Justin Bieber. “ So I decided some b---h needed to be got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull d--e and I stuck her. From then on prison was easier than making blueberry scones.”
And before walking off the stage for good, Martha Stewart had some final advice for the singer: “You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life, find yourself the right gal. But she’ll have to be someone on your level — someone power and famous and rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge in the occasional three-way. I’m talking about a playa in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom. So Justin, my final piece of advice is ‘Call me.’”
But Martha Stewart was not the only star whose jokes made our jaws drop. Here are the most shocking moments from the Justin Bieber roast.
1. Kevin Hart
As host of the Justin Bieber roast, Kevin Hart got first crack at the singer. He compared Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun to a predator and revealed he thought Bieber would date Bruce Jenner before Kendall.
2. Pete Davidson
Pete Davidson proved in his remarks that the Justin Bieber roast would definitely not be politically correct. He shocked the crowd when he claimed Bieber is the “only thing [models] swallow and don’t throw back up.”
Davidson also told the story of his father’s death in the 9/11 terrorist attacks. While he regrets growing up without a dad, he told the crowd that meeting Justin Bieber’s father, Jeremy, made Davidson realize that having a deceased father isn’t so bad.
3. Natasha Leggero
4. Chris D’Elia
In one of several terrorism jokes during the Justin Bieber roast, Chris D’Elia noted that the singer’s “Baby” video was even less popular on YouTube than ISIS beheadings. Still, the Undateable star noted that Bieber had it all, “except for respect, love, friends, good parents and a Grammy.”
5. Jeffrey Ross
Jeffrey Ross proved why he is the king of roasts, making one shocking Justin Bieber joke after another. He noted that Gomez actually slept with Bieber, “proving once again that Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs that Americans just won’t do.”
And when bringing up Bieber’s infamous visit to the Anne Frank home, the comedian joked that if the Holocaust victim had heart Bieber’s music, “she would have Ubered to Auschwitz.” Ross even ended his monologue by noting that Bieber would not end up like Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse — “respected.”
6. Will Ferrell As Ron Burgundy
Reprising his famous Anchorman character, Will Ferrell defended all of Justin Bieber’s actions, whether it was abandoning his pet monkey or peeing in a mop bucket. “There’s not a person in this room who hasn’t done that,” Burgundy said of the second offense.
7. Justin Bieber
“What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million?” Bieber said. “A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”
But Bieber had some particularly harsh comebacks for Ludacris (“you look like the Mr. Potato Head I had as a kid”) and Jeffrey Ross:
“I’ve been driving recklessly, smoking weed, abandoning monkeys and urinating publicly — actually, that last one was kind of cool,” Bieber concluded. “But my biggest regret is plowing my Maserati into Jeff Ross‘ Saturn in the parking lot. I’m feeling really bad, because I don’t even know where you’re going to sleep tonight, man.”
What was your favorite part of the Justin Bieber Roast? Let us know your take in the comments section below!